How to speak Notlobian and what a man in the Isle of Man has to do with this match

Special advanced notice: although much of the commentary consists of mindless gibberish there is a bit of serious stuff part way through, which is all true.  You have to guess which bit it is.
Part the First: The Evil Empire
Bolton Wanderers, known as Notlob, make the Evil Empire look like a troupe of ballet dancers performing [...]
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