Players To Sign

We've made signings!From Bayern Munich, we've managed to recruit Franck Ribery for £45 million. He's an ugly bastard, but he's fast, skilfull and the kind of creative outlet we need. I imagine next year's lineup to feature an attacking trio of Arshavin, Nasri and Ribery. Won't that be fun?From Barcelona, we've bought Yaya Toure for £20 million. Apparently he really wanted to play with his brother, and was willing to forgo the pleasure of lining up with the Greatest Side Of All Time In The History Of The World Since The Dinosaurs. He's going to be a perfect complement to Cesc Fabregas, who's delighted to be partnering someone who can do the job.From Roma, we've signed Philippe Mexes for £15 million. He's a classy guy, and Roma were having financial difficulties. He'll be the tall defender we need beside Kolo Toure, and he'll tops up our dwindling French contignent. I mean, we could've bought Zapata, but that'll make our team too international. Time to get back to our Gallic roots.We're still in the middle of negiotations with Valencia over David Villa. Apparently, Valencia hate Real Madrid with a passion, and are willing to give us Villa on the cheap as long as we gloating about it in the Spanish press and call Real Madrid a bunch of ill-principled, money-grubbing putas.Well done, Ivan "Eye of the Tiger" Gazidis! We're halfway to getting a squad that can challenge for the Premier League. Who said Arsenal are skint, ambitionless and lack the cojones to buy big, big players?

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