Planting derrieres on fences, and trophies in future tenses

It’s almost as if the BITS-Pilani internet connection foresaw it with mystic eyes. As soon as the Arsenal-Manchester United match shuffled to its conclusion, after all three goals, missed chances, TheSubstitution™ and ‘You don’t know what you’re doing’, the World Wide Web gave notice and discreetly left the premises of my college for days on end. To this effect, I was spared from engaging in any virtual swordfights in the after-party as AKBs feasted on WOBs flesh, and Wenger-detractor gutted Wenger-defendant with many-a-machete. As I arrive now, later than Freddie Ljungberg into the box, I find a house cracked and divided and digging into each other’s throats, Edward-Cullen style. Stop for a minute and gather round, for I am scattering pearls of astuteness and understanding. Or exercising the word processor at any rate.
Planting derrieres...